Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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