remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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