i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
