i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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