This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
