Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
