So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
