in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
