i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
