I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
