i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I forget how to act sober
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
