I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
