i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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