in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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