Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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