This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
