How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I could have mohawked her pubes.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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