anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
