im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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