Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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