mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
