I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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