NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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