I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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