U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
