you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
