No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
