I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
