I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
