i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
