If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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