you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
