She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
