I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
