your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
