I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
