I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
