Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Girls should come with a carfax report
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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