Kiss
Puke
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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