PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
