I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
