we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
