I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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