just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
