I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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