you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
