I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
