I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
