Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
