go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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