True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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