sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
