even my farts smell like vagina
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
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