tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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