Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
