i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
