my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
