What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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